I had a birthday recently, and one of the things I planned was a leisurely lunch with my kids. We had about ninety minutes to sit together and eat a delicious meal.

I have spoiled myself my whole life in many different ways. My birthday weekend I decided that I would simply spend my time doing what I wanted and when it came to the time the kids spent with me, I would insist on some things I wanted to do. I picked the restaurant, and after some chit chat, I dug into what I had planned to talk about.

A few years ago there was a semi-viral NYT article with a series of questions they suggested two people could ask one another to fall in love. I started with that list and edited it down and reworded them somewhat to come up with questions to ask my kids to hopefully learn more about how they thought about things in their lives. I asked the questions in the order listed below.

My kids are seventeen and eighteen, but I wish I’d thought of this a few years ago, and I can see asking these again in a few years, and every few years after. It was a good exercise to force myself to shut up and listen, and as a consequence I managed to learn a little. They did ask a few of these for my answer in return.

I’d encourage you to try this for yourself.

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say?
What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? [My kids took the fifth.]
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Everything you own is in a house that catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself or anything else, what would you want to know?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship? [I think I accidentally skipped this one.]
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Is there anything too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? [My kids really didn’t like the questions that involved dying. I think this has to do with the natural assumption of immortality that teenagers possess.]
Alternate sharing something you consider to be a positive characteristic of your sibling. Share three each.

Authors Note: I am reposting this in March 2024, with additional post-scripts below.

A Message To My Children About D — T —

I am a what you might call a moderate liberal in an area of the country that is anything but moderate. If the nomenclature “all and neither party” existed I would choose that. There are liberals and there are conservatives, and rarely the twain shall meet.

I frequently hear from my children (4th and 5th grade) some opinions on the world as filtered to them through friends. I also make sure to make some of my more critical opinions are present in the conversation. One that they have heard a few times is: Speak up for those who can’t speak up for themselves. So here I want to speak up on behalf of all the children in the country who can’t yet communicate the idea that our country has considered a disreputable human being worthy of our election to President.

I have kept silent on political conversation, as was the tradition in my family when I was young. To this day, I have no idea how three of my grandparents would have voted. The current election results encouraged one of those grandparents make clear their distaste for the elected, but I’m still not sure a consistent line can be drawn. I can make assumptions based on their world views, but no firm conclusions, even though I spent a lot of time growing up with them. My mother is a clear liberal Democrat and my father claims to be an anarchist, so it’s hard to know his voting habit, if any.

This election, however, has caused me to speak up about the candidates. Any view of their politics aside, I decided that I needed to make clear to my kids what a scumbag D — T — is. I told them that I will vote for Hillary Clinton, explaining that the main reason is that he is clearly a terrible choice for president. I also look forward to being able to say to my grandchildren someday that I cast a vote for the first woman president in U.S. History.

I explained to my kids that D — T — is a person who speaks with anger and caprice, and that his approach should not be encouraged in any way. I reminded them that in most cases, anger is the front for some other emotion, commonly fear. I explained that he is using the language of anger to strike fear into the minds of voters who question whether women or minorities are qualified to lead or live in our country. He speaks to those of us Americans (I will not be moving to Canada or anywhere else if Trump is miraculously elected) who fear that as we get older we do not understand our newest citizens, the youth and the immigrants who continue to be the future of the country.

I explained that every single time I have come in contact, through the media, with T — , not just in the last terrifying months, but in the last 30 years, he has appeared to be vain and narcissistic, deceitful and dishonest, hateful and dismissive, greedy, ruthless and heartless. He seemed like a harmless douchebag in 1985 on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Today he seems like a dangerous douchebag. Today he shows no regret of treating everyone — women or men, immigrants or citizens, smart or dumb, enemies or friends(!) — like pieces of meat put here for his gratification and elevation.

I explained to them that this language of anger most likely covers T — ’s great fear, and encouraged them to hit him where it hurts. His greatest fear is being ignored. For that reason, I don’t even want to use his name in this brief missive, I don’t want that name appearing in the world even just one more time because of me. Even just to explain to my kids that he is a dirty, dangerous, douchebag who doesn’t deserve a moment of our attention.

February 2017 Edit*/Update

My definition of 45’s election as miraculous (see above) was short-sighted. In early November I made the comment: “The good news and bad news is that our country always gets exactly the president it deserves,” and by extension, that I deserve as an American. I could ramble worthlessly about 45 and the damage he is doing to our country, but that’s not productive. I choose to learn from this experience and take away the good I can from it. Another thing I learned from my mom and taught my daughters is that there is good and bad in everything and everyone, and I believe this about every president and their presidencies, including the current leader.

*I made a few updates in a few lines above, but I remain proud of the message I sent in the original version so most of it remains intact, if a little outdated.

2024 update:

This was originally posted in October 2016, (with edits noted in 2017 at the bottom) when conventional thought was that Donald Trump didn’t have a shot at getting elected. The only significant change in my voting habits is that I am much less moderate, thanks to the moderates moving further right and my continued age adding to my slide toward progressive thought. Left might even be too far right for me these days. I will likely never again for president at all. I will focus on local elections. I am tired of choosing the least worst option. I do stand by my social media post from November 2016. The only changes this time were editing for clarity.